(guitar strumming)
(faint chattering) (faint guitar music)
- Hey.
- Hi.
- That's my best line.
"Hey."
- It's a good one.
- I know, right?
A lot of people say that pickup lines are stupid
but clearly in the right hands--
- No, see, this is your line.
- What's that?
- This whole self-effacing
"ain't it great that I don't use pickup lines" bit.
(chuckling)
This is your line.
- One of the perceptive types.
- Yeah. - Well, okay.
- Try to be aware of stuff, sorry.
- Out of my damn league.
(chuckling)
So do you know Matt or Dean or,
why are you here?
- No. (laughing)
My friends, Lauren and Brooke,
they know this girl, Jenna,
who's in acting class with Matt,
and I guess it's that Dean guy's birthday, so.
- Yeah!
- [Woman] Obviously I had to come celebrate.
- They would had to cancel it.
- Yeah. - Without you.
- [Woman] Without me.
- Such a good friend. - I know.
- Of a friend, of a friend, of a friend.
- Got it, got it, yeah.
- I'm Jason, by the way.
- Amy.
- Amy? - Mm-hmm.
- So, in case you get alcohol poisoning
after taking all those, could I maybe get your number?
- Why, what do you want?
- I mean, I'd like to go out with you sometime.
I think that'd be good.
- Yeah, okay, but be honest.
Do you wanna sleep with me or do you wanna marry me?
- Those are the two choices?
- Yeah.
You wanna hook up or do you want a relationship?
- Okay, well, I definitely,
I'd like to get to know you better,
I know that for sure,
so that's something.
You seem pretty cool.
- Have a good night, Jason.
(chuckling)
(people chattering)
Cheers.
- Huh.
(chuckling)
Interesting.
So, I saw you talking to her.
I saw that she heard you blabbering.
But I didn't see you pull out your phone
or her pass a note or business card--
- Getting the point here, yeah.
- I reckon to reason--
- It's a fact of.
- You got shot down.
But, I mean. - No.
You saw wrong, clearly.
- I mean, you know, a guy can dream.
(laughing)
- [Man] Dude.
- [Matt] Hey, happy birthday, Dean!
- You didn't tell Dean you're having
a birthday party for him, did you?
- No, it's a surprise.
Hey, Dean.
- What?
- [Matt] Surprise.
- Happy birthday, bud.
You're a real piece of shit.
- A little bit. - Yeah.
I should probably go apologize, huh?
- You won't.
- No. - You probably should.
- [Matt] Yeah, well I mean,
it's the thought that counts, right?
- [Woman] Brooke, you have to end it.
- I know, it's just-- - It's just what?
Brooke, it's just nothing, it's done!
He can't keep treating you like this
and still get to be with you because then he'll never learn
and if you don't teach him a lesson now,
you're part of the problem.
- What are you talking about?
- Women's rights, Brooke.
Can't keep holding us back.
See, this is why Jenna left already.
She can't stand the repression.
- No, Jenna left because you fucked her boyfriend.
- That was like two months ago!
I cannot keep apologizing for the fact that he chose me.
Oh, but by the way, he's got this really cute friend named--
- [Brooke] Lauren, would you listen to yourself?
- [Lauren] I hear myself just fine.
He's an actor but--
- Sorry to interrupt.
Look,
I know we've been building up to this for a long time
and I've kept you waiting, so,
Amy, last name?
- Jennings. - Jennings, cool.
Amy Jennings...
Will you marry me forever and never look back?
- All right. - All right.
- Let's talk.
- Fair enough.
That's all that's said.
- I'm not gonna marry you, just gonna talk to you.
- [Jason] We'll discuss it.
(faint beat music)
(laughing)
- [Amy] I'd say you've earned yourself about five minutes.
- Probably should had an actual ring.
Might get a little more time.
- Definitely would've gotten more time.
- Yeah, next girl.
Yeah.
- Yeah, you know, trial and error.
- This ain't the end for me, I'll tell you that.
- I'm sure, I'm sure.
Okay, this is what I'm thinking.
If we both want to keep talking
after the five minutes are up, then great, then we do that.
But if either one of us wants to walk away at any point,
we can just walk away.
No time wasted trying to be polite,
no explanation needed
because we obviously do not owe each other anything.
- No.
- Sound good so far?
- I mean, yes, this is all pretty standard stuff.
Nothing weird going on here, so yeah.
What else you got? - No, super standard.
(Jason laughing)
Four minutes left.
- Shit, okay. - Okay.
It's probably a little bit too late for this
but don't try to make a good impression.
Just tell the truth and I'll do the same.
- Hit me,
any topic.
- [Amy] Why do you wanna get married?
- I don't know if I do.
- Wow, that unreliable, huh?
- Okay, here's the thing,
given the two choices that you graciously gave me,
thanks again, for giving me
more than one option. - You're welcome.
- [Jason] Appreciate that.
More than you need to do. - My pleasure.
- Well, the thing is,
I am more so looking for a relationship
then just a one-night-stand, or whatever, but...
I'm just trying to not treat marriage like it's a goal
to achieve because I used to feel that way about it
and I think that's no good.
So, yeah, ideally I'd like to get married if it's right
but what about you?
Why do you wanna get married?
- Oh, I never said I did.
(chuckling)
- Okay, but it was my heartfelt proposal,
the one that brought all the tears to the crowd.
- Were there tears?
- From here, so, absolutely.
- [Amy] But it's weird, I don't--
- Just go with it.
- My eye makeup's not smudged. (laughing)
- That's what got me here.
- Your honesty, your honesty,
less tears, more honesty. - Sure.
- Granted you this sacred time.
But, see, now you're being like super wishy-washy
and you've got like cold feet, so,
now I'm like really questioning my choices.
- Well, I'm trouble, I'm a wild card,
so that's probably a good call.
Your momma warned you about me.
- No, not at all.
- [Jason] Totally did.
- Absolutely not.
- She never mentioned me?
Momma? - No.
- Really?
- Mm-mmm. - Huh.
- All right, well truth, I almost got married once.
That would've been a disaster.
I think that I'm still recovering from the fact
that I was able to delude myself into thinking
it was actually a good idea.
(chuckling)
Plus,
I watched my parents' marriage fall apart
and I'm seeing a lot of my friends' marriages fall apart,
so, I don't know,
I think I still want that, to get married.
I just, I don't think it's something I should want.
- Okay.
You know, fun fact,
it kinda sounds like we're on the same page.
- [Amy] Oh yeah?
- So, strong start, hey.
(laughing)
Good for us.
I'm into it, you are too, clearly.
A lot of enthusiasm, especially on your side.
- Oh, is that what I'm portraying?
- Absolutely.
- [Amy] Interesting.
- It's radiating off of you.
- Time's up.
- Yet there you stand still. - All right, all right.
- Here I stand, so maybe. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, could be worse.
- Okay, I'm still in for now.
- I really appreciate that.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- I'll see you later.
See, I was doing the thing where I lost interest.
- Oh, hilarious. - And I totally bailed.
Yeah, yeah.
It'd good.
- Really funny.
- Yeah? (laughing)
- All right, next question.
- [Jason] Yep.
- What's wrong with you?
- Shit, okay.
Might wanna sit down for this, I think.
- Oh, wow, a lot of ground to cover?
- Yeah.
Well, mostly just for when I turn the question on you.
- Oh. - Just planning ahead.
- Cute.
- There's a bar up the road, do you maybe just wanna--
- Let you buy me lots of drinks?
- Exactly. - Cool.
- Could be a small price to pay for privacy.
- Oh. - Wow.
(laughing)
- They love you.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
(upbeat music)
Thanks.
All right.
- So.
- Yeah?
- Who are you recovering from?
- Okay, so we're getting into exes now, it's about time.
We've been dragging our feet on that.
Her name is Lindsey.
- And how did you meet this Lindsey character?
- You make it sound like I made her up.
- Haven't ruled it out yet.
- Really? - Nope.
- The super real Lindsey and I used to work together.
- [Amy] Oh, what do you do?
- I'm an actor--
- So what restaurant do you work at?
- Wow.
Okay, you are a cynic.
- I, my friend, am just a realist.
- Which is the catchphrase of every cynic,
as far as I can tell.
- And you must be a diehard optimist, I get it.
- Yeah, it's fun.
(chuckling)
No, I mean, I've been cynical about things, of course,
but I just, I don't know, I've always hated that feeling.
Just try to fight against it because
I think being cynical, I think it's a little too easy.
I think it's not very inspiring.
- So where do you wait tables?
- Tony P's Dark Side of the Grill.
- Yep.
(chuckling)
- So, how inspiring was this Lindsey?
- Lindsey was very inspiring, actually.
- Okay, then what are we doing here?
- Shit, that's a good question.
Oh.
- She wise up and leave your ass?
- Ooooh. - Oh shit, I'm sorry.
- No. - That's rude.
- That's all right.
No, I kinda wish that had been the case
because then I wouldn't have had to feel
like such a fucking idiot at times but
I broke things off.
- [Amy] Why, what happened?
- I just...
I just wasn't all the way in like she was.
Which sucked because, I mean,
she's fucking awesome.
She's beautiful, smart, compassionate,
levelheaded, ambitious. - Wow.
- I can go on, a lot of positive adjectives.
- You know what?
I don't think that it's that you felt like an idiot.
I think it is that you actually are a fucking idiot.
- Maybe.
Okay, look, just...
All right, here's the thing about me and Lindsey,
we're friends.
That's what we were at the beginning, we were good friends
but then, you know, one night we became better friends
in that way.
- Oh, what did she think was happening?
- No, she felt the same.
But then things kept going like that for a couple months
and, you know, you can't really be intimate with someone
for that long without having feelings grow.
At least for me, I don't know.
So, yeah, the feelings grew on both sides
and we talked about it.
She wanted us to give it a real shot,
so we did.
And it was great for awhile, it's just...
I couldn't get right with it.
So I kept agonizing over it and giving myself so much shit
and when it came down to it,
the way that she looked at me, I just,
I didn't look at her the same way
and that wasn't fair to her.
What about you?
Who was your most recent?
- Mmmmmm. - Tell me everything.
- Oh boy.
His name is Ryder.
He's a musician.
I was and A&R rep for awhile.
I caught his show one night,
he had that whole, like,
angsty, impassioned singer-songwriter thing going and
my inner high schooler just flipped the fuck out.
I could tell he was a total train wreck,
I could see it miles away
but I guess I just wanted to court disaster, so,
I brought him to my label,
they loved him, they signed him
and we went down the rabbit hole.
We had only been dating for two months
when we moved in together.
- Shit.
- Yeah, I know.
I already knew he was insanely jealous
and temperamental and basically an alcoholic
but it all seemed manageable enough.
I don't know, I guess to be honest,
I think it all just turned me on at the time.
I mean, all my past relationships had been so regimented,
so predictable,
I don't know,
I just decided I needed to let loose
and go wild,
which was such a good idea.
He started throwing tantrums.
I mean, I literally couldn't leave my house
without him thinking that I was fucking somebody else.
Especially if I went to go see any male musicians,
he would freak the fuck out.
So he started cheating on me because he was so convinced
that I was cheating on him.
At least, that's the story that he told.
I think he was just justifying the fact that
he was fucking around.
- Smart.
- Well, smarter than me because
I stuck around for three more months
after I found out he was cheating.
I don't know.
The fucker just wouldn't quit
and he became this sobbing mess every time I confronted him,
and so I just kept staying.
I don't know, maybe I thought I'd given up
on my other relationships too quickly or,
it just kinda became,
"This is my life."
- [Jason] Right.
- And then one day we got into an argument
and he punched a hole in the wall,
making sure that I was good and scared
because I disagreed with him about
what the best Elliot Smith song was
and it became, "This can not be my life."
- [Jason] Yeah.
- So I grabbed a box and I threw everything that I could fit
into it and I walked out the front door
and I haven't seen him since.
- Shit.
- [Amy] Yeah.
- Sorry about that.
- It's okay.
- How long ago was this?
- Eight months ago.
- Okay.
And you haven't had to see him
around your office or anything?
- Oh no, see, that's the best part.
When I told my label that I wanted them to drop him,
they decided they'd rather keep him than lose me, so I quit.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So much for loyalty.
That asshole got my label and my apartment
and I fucking loved that apartment.
I don't know, I thought Ryder was gonna be
some great big adventure but
it turns out that he's just like the rest of them,
just another spoiled brat
who thinks the world owes him something.
You know what, he was different.
- Yeah, in what way?
- He's fucking worse.
- So did you go to a different label or?
- No, I mean I looked around for awhile
but my heart wasn't in it.
I think I was just still disillusioned
by the whole label picking Ryder thing,
plus, I don't know,
I was wary of dealing with more Ryder types.
So I'm just doing temp work right now
while I figure out my next move.
- Okay.
Something else in music?
- Probably.
It's weird, I feel like music got me
into this whole mess with Ryder in the first place.
I mean, when I first heard Ryder's music,
it was so amazing and I just, I got hooked.
You know when you hear a musician and they're so brilliant
on this technical level.
Like, they're master craftsman but...
You don't quite buy it.
- Yeah, I get that.
- Well, the more I got to know Ryder
and the more I listened to his music,
the more I realized--
- How full of shit he is, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Exactly.
I'd love to get back into the music world,
like one way or another but
I feel like I'm just disassociating.
- Please don't tell me he got your label,
your apartment and music because--
- Motherfucker got music too, I know, I know.
- Fucking tragedy, Jesus.
- No, I mean I still love music, I still listen to music.
It's just, I don't give myself over to it
the way that I used to.
It's him and it's also the fact that I'm just
not in the industry right now.
I'm sure it's the same for you.
Like, when you watch a movie or TV show.
I mean, you're experiencing it
on this whole other level, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Because that is the world that you're connected to.
It's your day-to-day existence.
You want to be apart of that world
and experience that world and contribute to that world.
- Yeah. - Right?
- No, I definitely understand that.
It's hard to detach yourself from that perspective.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I'm not part of that world anymore,
so I guess I just relate to it a little differently now.
(phone chiming)
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Just need to.
(laughing)
- What?
- It looks like your buddy, Matt,
made a pass at my girls, Lauren and Brooke.
- Oh,
boy.
Okay, so both of them?
- Mmmmm.
- That's about right.
- Yeah?
- So they went for it, obviously.
I mean, how could they not? - Obviously.
- Yeah.
- God, I love them to death but damn they are ridiculous.
Every time we go out they try to convince each other
to break up with their boyfriends.
They both know that their boyfriends are assholes
but still nothing changes.
- Yeah.
- Instead, they just like to try to convince me
to go out with those fool's friends.
(laughing)
Never really understand why I'm not interested.
- Yeah, couples just seem to want their friends
to be in relationships too.
Picked up on that.
- Especially the ones with shitty relationships.
- [Jason] Yeah, right?
- Yeah.
- I guess I shouldn't have to go it alone, Amy.
All right, have a heart.
No, I mean, it's nice when someone wants to like
essentially recommend me to a friend or whatever
but they just push it sometimes.
Like I have to be in the relationship, you know?
They try to make it feel like there's something missing
if I'm not in a relationship but
I'm glad I don't feel that way.
I don't have to be in one.
- Yeah, same.
Probably better off when I'm not in a relationship,
to be honest.
- I don't wanna agree with you on that but I kinda do.
- Oh, shit, look whose heart has grown cold.
- No, no, no, no, it's just...
I don't know, like I said,
I had to stop treating marriage like it was my endgame.
Wasn't healthy.
- Yeah.
I agree.
It happens or it doesn't.
And if it doesn't, that's okay.
- Yeah?
Okay, so...
you don't necessarily feel like you have to get married.
- No.
- Which I think is good, I think it's a healthy outlet,
but why do you seem a little rushed?
I'm just talking about the whole five minutes thing
and this cross examination.
- Honestly, I just don't like wasting any time.
- That's fair.
- And I never said I didn't want babies.
You still want my number?
- Yeah. (chuckling)
Eventually, yeah.
- I don't have a phone, weird.
- Oh, so like...
(laughing)
(upbeat guitar music)
♪ Oh no, oh no ♪
♪ Please don't ♪
♪ Tell me it's time to go ♪
I'm not saying it was like a deep true love every time but,
yeah.
I loved a few women, I mean,
we really connected, we cared about each other
and that's love.
- [Amy] No.
- Now you know the definition.
- No, you liked these women.
You wanted probably a lot of them
but you did not love them all.
- Okay, look, I know which ones I just wanted in that way,
I know which ones I liked and I know which ones I loved
and it never took me long to figure that shit out
because I'm super smart.
- Okay, well how did you figure it out so quickly?
- All right, you're like this.
- [Amy] Okay.
- It's foolproof.
Rock solid. - All right.
- When I first kiss a girl,
if I'm feeling like something strong
might be happening, right?
I pull back real slightly, you know?
I look at her and I smile, okay?
Following so far?
And then, if she smiles back,
I mean like really fucking smiles,
like a sweet, vulnerable kind of smile,
the kind when he guard's down, she knows that yours is too
and you're both just totally open to what's happening?
- Okay. - Right?
While all that shit's in play,
that's when I know I love her.
- That is the cheesiest thing I've ever heard.
You do realize that, right?
- I do, and you know what? - Okay.
- Being honest and sounding cheesy kinda go hand-in-hand,
what can I tell you?
What about you?
How do you know?
- When I tell somebody that I love them
and then I don't hate myself for it later,
yeah, that's pretty much it.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Of course, I'm always wrong.
I always do hate myself for it, I just don't know it yet.
- That's beautiful. - Mm-hmm.
- That whole story was like--
- I think it's Keats. - Wow.
Okay, so who first sent you down this path
of misery and low expectations?
- That would be Andrew.
- Andrew. - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Wasn't like Scooter or Laser?
- There weren't a lot of Lasers in Texas.
- No?
- Although if there had been,
we definitely wouldn't be having this conversation.
That is for sure.
- Hell no.
- I'd be like changing my name to Lazy.
(laughing)
Wait, wait, sorry, Lazy, I was trying to go somewhere.
- You got there.
- No I didn't.
(laughing)
Yeah, so instead, I got Andrew
and he, honestly, he wasn't a terrible guy.
He was just a baby.
He was an only child raised to believe
that the entire world revolved around him
and he was a football hero in Houston, Texas.
- Oh shit.
- Yeah.
- The world did revolve around him.
- It did.
Everybody thought I was so lucky to be with Andrew.
- Yeah?
- So anyway, there was a lot of jealousy
going on at the time, which I will admit was kinda fun.
I kinda liked it.
But to tell you the truth, he was lucky to be with me.
I mean, hey--
- No, no, for sure.
- I had thoughts, I had opinions,
I wasn't just some little cheerleader
that followed the flock.
I was like this cool, edgy rocker chick.
I had Manic Panic purple hair.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
And, I mean, I was pretentious as hell.
- I definitely get that part.
- Oh, do you? - Mm-hmm.
- At least I had something to say.
I mean, dating me was Andrew's one act of rebellion.
This is gonna sound a little twisted
but I think the fact that Andrew was into me
was actually the reason I fell for him at all.
(laughing) - Wait, what?
- No, I'm serious.
It meant that he wasn't like the rest of them.
He could be in to Manic Panic fucking rocker chick.
- Yeah, I gotta say, usually egomania,
it's kinda off putting but with you it just feels right.
It's admirable.
- Good, I'm glad you're into it.
Moving on.
So we started dating sophomore year
and then we dated all the way though high school.
Honestly, I'm kinda surprised it lasted that long.
I think he was just fascinated with me.
I was the only thing in his life
that was slightly out of order
and I hate to admit it but I kinda got used to being
the big football star's girlfriend.
- [Jason] Yeah you did.
- Yeah.
- You loved that shit.
Punk went mainstream from the sound of things.
- I did.
I don't know, I just wanted to be comfortable, I guess.
It's understandable.
- Yeah.
No, it is.
- I will give myself this.
I hate this expression
but I didn't completely lose myself to the relationship.
- That's so powerful.
- Shut up, I hate you.
He got a scholarship to Texas A&M,
which was like a couple hours from his parents' house,
which was key because he could never move further
from his dear, sweet debilitating momma.
And I wanted to study Music Business at Berklee.
- California?
- You idiot. - What?
(laughing)
I'm mistaken, apparently.
- No, no.
- Inform me.
- It's a music school in Boston
and it was amazing, I loved it.
- Okay.
So you went?
- I did. - Nice.
- Yeah. - All right, cool.
- And he had never been more betrayed in his life.
I thought that because I was this sweet little girlfriend
for all those years, that we would find a way
to work it out, you know?
Like, no, nope, not at all.
- Not at all. - No.
We graduated, he dumped me, dropped me quick.
We went our separate ways, I was all brokenhearted
and he started dating this girl
who obeyed his every command.
- [Jason] Oooh.
- Oh yeah, sounds good, right?
- Yeah.
Tell me more.
- They got married straight out of college,
so she's unavailable, sorry.
(laughing)
And, yeah.
Okay, so what girl first flashed you that
sweet, vulnerable little smile?
- Yeah, actually, I don't know if she did.
- What a bitch. - Which is probably
why it didn't work out, I know.
The fucking worst.
- I hate her.
(laughing)
- You would.
Your instincts are spot on.
- Oh my God.
- But her name's Katie
and met her when I was 12,
we got together at the ripe old age of 14.
I was ready to settle down
for the long haul. (laughing)
- Waiting for that tenure in a relationship?
- I thought I was with her.
She was the first girl I was like batshit about,
so I had all these plans.
I basically would do anything for her
and she was fully aware of that fact
and never ceased to take advantage of it.
So, yeah, that's when I picked up my stealer habit
of basically doing whatever I could to keep the girl happy.
Despite of how it made me feel
and she also picked up a habit of her own,
which was constantly dumping me.
- Ooooh.
- And then just inevitably ask me back,
usually through some heartfelt
and colloquial beautiful letter that would
restore my faith in humanity.
- Yes.
- And love and justice.
- Yes.
- Until she dumped me again.
- Modern day Shakespeare. - I was like, fuck that shit.
God is dead.
(laughing) And so, basically,
after the third time that she graciously set me free,
I started realizing,
maybe I should be always ready for the other shoe to drop.
Which is a good mindset to lock myself into
because the anxiety I felt ever since
has really kept me on my toes.
Made me feel so alive.
Incredible.
So, yeah, but after the fifth time
that she kicked me to the curb,
I said, "Katie, no more." - Oh my God.
- "You will not have the opportunity to dump me again.
"You're done."
- You are so strong.
- I know.
- I mean, that's just remarkable.
- Play it cool, I know it's intimidating.
(laughing)
But, yeah, that's Katie.
The balled of me and Katie.
- Okay, all right.
How old were you guys when you finally broke up?
- 16.
Middle of Junior year, so...
You know, it could've been worse.
Still had a year and a half left of high school.
Time for more tortured teenage love affairs.
- Wow.
What a guy.
Were you this painfully cheesy back then?
- Yeah, in private though.
Behind closed doors where no one could see the tears.
Back then I played it a little closer to the vest
because I learned pretty quickly
that if you're sincere and straightforward in high school,
you're basically begging for heartache,
so my move back then, you'll like this.
- Okay.
- So if I found out a girl liked me, right,
what I would do is I would think of something funny to say,
I'd go up, I'd say it to her, get the laugh, you know,
and then I would just act like I was
on my way to somewhere else
and get the fuck out of Dodge
before she had a chance to stop liking me.
- Oh my God, you were that much of a coward.
- I was that much of a revolutionary.
- Oh, excuse me. (laughing)
Watch out.
- Okay, so it didn't really lead
to many substantial relationships.
- I am surprised. - That method, I know.
(laughing)
But I think it was all part of a crucial,
confidence building phase.
I don't know.
Maybe a lot of my relationships have been shorter term
because I never really fully snapped out of that pattern.
I'll think about that later.
At least I stick around for full conversations now.
- Yeah.
- Much to your delight.
- Now you will just not shut up.
- I'm a man of extremes, Amy.
Take me as I am.
- Okay. - Or don't.
- Right. - I ain't changing shit.
- Well, I won't ask you to then.
So, your longest relationship,
how long are we talking here?
- All right, well the whole Katie fiasco
was pretty fractured
over the course of those two years.
Really, if you add up all the times
we actually were together,
it was probably like seven weeks, something like that.
- Oh, wow.
- So I'm gonna say, Rose was my longest.
- [Amy] Okay.
- I was with Rose for awhile.
I met her doing a play
and we fell pretty hard for each other real quickly.
It's one of those whirlwind romances, you know?
Swept right up in it.
And,
yeah,
kinda felt powerful.
You know?
Important.
- Okay.
- You know, "I love you, I need you.
"Let's grow old together."
- Wow. - All that stuff.
Yeah, and it was fun.
And exhausting.
She would just kinda start retreating
because she dated basically nothing but assholes before me.
- Oh, weird. - Douchebags as it were.
- I don't really--
- Yeah, you guys could probably swap some tips on that.
(Amy chuckling)
So she dated a lot of guys like that
and then she got with me
and felt like she didn't deserve me
and that she'd disappoint me.
She would pull away, right?
Need me more than ever, pull away, need me, pull away.
We went on that while rollercoaster for about six months
and then she finally ended it.
And cut off all communication for awhile.
Told me later that she needed time to,
you know, take care of herself
and figure things out and
I'm sure that was for the best.
I don't know, I was just kinda a little beat up
after that one.
You know how it is, you get so used to someone
just needing you and wanting you so intensely, all the time.
I don't know, when they're just gone,
it kinda feels like something's missing and it hurts, so,
yeah.
- Mmmm.
- That's Rose.
(laughing)
Starting to tear.
- So six months then?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- That was your takeaway?
- That's all I really needed, yeah.
- Glad I put my heart out, awesome, so--
- Uh-huh.
- What about you?
What was your longest?
How long?
- Like a little longer than yours.
- [Jason] Yeah?
- Like, slightly--
- Seven months?
- Seven years.
- Seven fucking years?
- Seven fucking years. - Wow!
Tell me something about him, this god,
this glorious man who was worth
all of that time that you will never get back.
- Thank you. - Ever.
- Thank you for reminding me-- - Like ever.
- That he squandered my youth.
(laughing) Yes.
- Just most of it.
- He was not worth it but he got it anyway.
His name is Quinn.
- Quinn, okay.
Momma's boy?
- Oh my God, it's like you know him, this is incredible.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Yes, he was a giant fucking momma's boy.
He bucked the other way though
and let his world revolve around me.
- Okay, so he's a real fucking stud,
that's what it sounds like.
- You guys would get along great.
- Bros.
(laughing)
Best bros.
- We met in Boston a couple years after Andrew.
- That's where Berklee is, by the way, continue.
- Oh.
I didn't know that.
Yes, and I just loved how much he adored me.
He would go out of his way for me.
I knew it wasn't like healthy.
I mean, he was basically obsessed with me.
- [Jason] Okay.
- I was just so caught up in how good
I thought he was for me.
When I told him I wanted to move out here,
he didn't question it, he didn't challenge it.
He just said that he'd love to come with me
and at the time I was like, great.
I wanted that. - Yeah.
- So, he got accepted to USC Grad School
and we headed west but I should've known
that something was wrong when he didn't make any friends.
Basically his whole world revolved around me,
which, again, at the time I was like--
- Fantastic. - "This is amazing."
I mean, seriously.
I was really enjoying being worshiped
because when he proposed I said yes.
But, yeah, I couldn't plan the wedding
and I couldn't bring myself to like
set a date.
I think I just knew that something was off.
I just didn't see it going any further.
So I decided to break it off and...
When I did,
he threatened to kill himself.
- Shit.
- [Amy] Yeah.
- That always plays well.
- I should've called it off right then.
But I felt bad for him.
And I felt like kinda responsible for his wellbeing.
I even convinced myself that maybe I had been too rash
and maybe I should give it another shot.
Then one day, I showed up at my apartment
and he had thrown away my birth control pills
and locked me in there and said
that he wouldn't let me leave until we picked a date.
So, yeah, I got over worrying about his wellbeing
and I called it off.
- Yeah, that's like the most selfish thing
you can do to someone who you allegedly love,
is basically, I don't know,
just try to make them feel like shit,
even if they even just think about leaving you
and all just so they'll stay stuck in some prison with you.
- Well, it's like my mom told her sister
when she tried to leave her pill-popping deadbeat husband,
"That's marriage, that's love, you gotta make it work."
- Yeah?
- Yup.
(laughing)
God bless my mom
but she rolled over and gave up with my stepfather
a long time ago.
I think after she left my dad,
she just didn't have any fight left in her, you know?
- Yeah.
- It's depressing.
- Yeah.
That's definitely depressing.
(chuckling)
- Sorry. - No, no.
No, no, it's okay, we're sharing.
But yeah, just being trapped in a relationship like that,
like feeling that way,
like where neither person really wants to be there,
it's just kind of a fucking nightmare.
- Okay, but come on, man.
I know that you've woken up at some point
next to somebody and just thought,
"What the fuck am I doing here?"
(laughing)
You know, and I'm not talking about a one-night-stand.
I am talking about a relationship that was so messed up
that even you knew it was bad.
- Even sunshine-- - Yeah, yeah.
- My most fucked up relationship, you might ask.
- Yes. - All right.
My most fucked up relationship, which I'm proud of,
by the way, as far as how it all turned out.
- Okay.
- Was with Kim, by default, at least.
- What do you mean by "default?"
- Well, she...
She was kinda married.
- Tell me about this little scandal of yours.
- It's not as bad as it sounds.
- Oh yeah, because infidelity is never that bad,
you're right, oh my God, of course.
Go on. - It's not good.
I would never do something like that again
but it's complicated.
It's got layers.
- Oh my God, well just break down these layers for me.
Explain to me how this was not a bad thing.
- All right.
Okay. (giggling)
So let me get overly defensive for a second.
All right, Kim,
met her when I was 16.
- Okay. - All right?
She was basically my dream girl back in high school,
especially after Katie and I were finally done.
I thought that Kim was the answer.
Now, unfortunately for me, she thought of me as a friend.
But, you know, her best friend, so that's something
but it ain't so great when you're in love with the girl.
So, basically she would get hung up on all these assholes
throughout high school,
and I was the guy she'd come crying to about it.
The guy that hoped that one day she would realize
she was in love with.
So basically, a total badass.
That was my role in things.
- Right. - Didn't go my way.
I graduated high school. - That's so weird.
- I know, right?
She went off to college, I came out here,
and I just kinda figured that ship had sailed.
Years go by, all right,
and Kim gets married, we're about 22.
A few more years later, I'm in Memphis,
about six years after, yeah, I was about 28.
Anyway, I was in Memphis at a house party
and she was there.
And it was cool, like we had a good talk,
nice to see each other and all that.
I was pretty happy for her.
Seemed like she was doing well.
But then, a couple months later, she calls me.
- Hmmmm.
- And it turns out she'd become convinced that
I was the love of her life and we were meant to be together.
- Mmmmmm, great timing.
- Yeah, impeccable.
So, basically, she's saying like everything
that I wanted her to say back in high school.
But she's telling me all this shit now
and she has a ring on her finger.
Turns out her husband was your type.
Momma's boy, kind of expecting everything to go his way--
- [Amy] Oh my God, dreamboat.
- I know, right.
- Tell me more about this sex panther.
Okay, cool. (laughing)
- And, yeah, so she was depressed
and she was just ready to jump ship
and I was a little conflicted about it for awhile
and it kinda became clear on the fact that
regardless of me, their marriage needed to end.
So, I kinda got over the moral dilemma
and wanted to be with her.
- Wow.
- So I go out there to see her.
She comes out here to see me one weekend.
And then pretty soon after that, she packs her shit
and tells him it's over and comes out to L.A.
and for awhile, like the first couple of weeks,
it was pretty amazing.
But then the bottom dropped out.
- [Amy] No.
- I know. - What?
- How could it not be built to last?
- Oh my God.
- How could it not be written in the stars?
- I am shocked. (laughing)
This is crazy.
- I'm still wrapping my mind around it.
- I can imagine.
- Her leaving her husband was the right call
but jumping right into a relationship with me
was kinda her dealing with shit
and I had become like her escape.
So, yeah, she hadn't really sorted out
how she felt about herself at that time,
what she wanted
and I hadn't really reconciled the fact that the douchebag,
who she couldn't wait to get away from,
was also some dude
who she also used to have a lot of love for.
So, yeah, she stayed out here for a couple months
and tried to make it work but
we both knew it wasn't gonna last.
So she went back to Tennessee, back to work,
but not back to him, thank God.
All right, you're gonna give me some shit for this next part
most likely, because you love to, first of all.
- Well.
- Second of all, because it's gonna sound like I'm bragging
a little bit but mostly I'm just relaying helpful facts.
- All right, just say it. - So know that.
All right,
so after Kim left.
- Mm-hmm.
- She told me that she would never settle for less again.
I know, that's what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying.
Basically, she now knew what she deserved.
- Right. - What she didn't deserve.
- Of course. - Right?
- Yes.
- And it was onwards and upwards for old Kim
and I heard she's with a really good guy now,
so, yeah, it was obviously kinda shitty of me
to take part in a woman's affair.
- Uh-huh. - But...
I mean, everyone's better off for it, so...
I'm glad it happened.
- Amazing.
- Yeah.
- Did I ever mention that Ryder had a girlfriend
when we first started dating?
- Huh.
- You guys good?
- No, no, it turns out we are terrible people.
We are both terrible, horrible people.
- He doesn't care, we're good, thank you, man.
We're doing good.
- But I mean, really, we're horrible.
I'm sorry. - Hey!
- We are terrible people. - Don't fuck with our server.
He doesn't have time for you shit.
- He's into it. - Amy?
- He's all over it.
- Let's get back on track, where were we?
- Okay. (laughing)
- Your sorted ways.
- [Amy] All right.
- Tell me this sorted history.
- So, when I first met Ryder. - Mm-hmm.
- He was dating this girl, Keeley.
- Mmmm.
- And he made her sound like the cruelest,
most unsupportive,
just horrible woman
and I just ate that bullshit up
and I stole him away.
Then, one night, we were out at a mutual friend's show
and she was there.
We ran into her
and Ryder, spineless little shit that he is,
turns tail and leaves
and she comes right up to me and she knows what I've done
and she knows who I am
and she is just
a sweetheart.
- Yeah?
- She said that she was sure that Ryder had like
twisted things so that I would be with him
and we just actually ended up hanging out all night.
- Oh shit.
- Yeah, we let Ryder go off to wherever.
When I got home that night, I totally laid into him
for treating her like shit.
She was awesome.
I never saw her again.
But sometimes, when I'm thinking about being
a petty little bitch,
I think about what my role model, Keeley, would do.
- And then you do the opposite.
- Then I do just as Keeley would say.
- I get it.
That's cool though.
- I mean, I'm assuming that getting rid of Ryder
was like the greatest thing that ever happened to her.
- Yeah.
- So she probably just pitied the hell out of me
so much that she couldn't be mad.
- Well, regardless of how pitiful you so clearly are,
that was pretty cool of Keeley.
- Sorry. - Tell me more.
- I don't have her phone number.
- No?
- So lay off a little.
(sighing)
(laughing)
- That's really not so bad though,
being a stepping stone.
- [Amy] Really?
- You might be into it, I think.
You're like Cupid.
You bring people together and that's important in this life.
You can talk at the wedding.
A little anecdote about how it came to be.
- I am really good at public speaking.
- You'll be the star of the show,
well, except for me and Keeley, who are getting, you know.
- But mostly about me though.
- Sure, sure, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, cool, cool, cool, yeah.
- Oh boy.
You want me to get the...
Got your own door, you good?
- Yeah. - Okay, fair enough.
I totally would've done it if you weren't so fast.
Hey, what's up, buddy?
- [Driver] How you doing?
(somber guitar music)
- [Amy] You know, I kinda wanna strangle you sometimes.
- Yeah? - Do you get that a lot?
- [Jason] To be honest, yeah I do.
I hear talk like that when a girl's...
into me, a little bit.
"I kinda wanna strangle you sometimes.
"God, I hate you, you're the worst."
Stuff like that.
- [Amy] Can you believe this jackass?
- Oh yeah, that kind of talk right there
lead to four kids.
- There you go.
There you go.
Thank you, my friend.
I appreciate you.
- [Driver] All right.
You kids have a good night.
- You too.
- Wear a condom.
- Wow.
- That was presumptuous.
- I like where his head's at.
- Ugh.
- Exactly.
- You're not trying to sneakily
take me back to your place, are you?
- Not quite,
but that's an idea though.
- Because I would figure it out eventually.
- You think so? - Yeah.
- Really?
- Probably.
- This is my car though.
Old Green Lightening.
- Oh.
Nice. - Yeah.
I know.
Play your cards right and you might
get to be seen in that beauty.
- [Amy] You know,
I fold.
- Clever.
Kinda hurtful but, you know.
Come on in.
- Mmmm. - Yep.
It's a theater.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I picked up on that.
- Did you?
- I did.
- That's right, the whole perceptive thing.
- Yeah, I'm super perceptive.
Plus, there was like a sign.
- Yeah.
- The one on the way in. - Yeah.
- Fair enough.
- So who trusts you with this place?
- Matt and myself.
Because our name's on the lease now.
- Really?
- Yeah, as of a couple weeks ago.
Yeah. - That's awesome.
- Thanks.
Come on in.
I'll take you on a magical tour.
- [Amy] Cool.
Oh, nice.
I like it.
- Yeah?
That's the...
That's the place where the actors,
they stand, they sit and stuff.
- Yeah, it's a stage.
- Stage, that's the...
You, you do theater?
- No.
It's a common term.
- Is it?
- Super common.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- My worst breakup.
I don't know, none of them have really been that bad,
to be honest, what?
They haven't, like some have been incredibly sad.
Yeah, if you are just extremely awkward.
Some were even all but painless.
- Oh my God, come on.
You are taking it way too easy on these girls.
Stop being so obnoxiously gracious and just tell me
it was a fucking shit show to break up with.
- Okay.
It was a little rough with Andrea.
- All right, this is what I'm talking about.
(laughing)
Looking for that dirt.
- What is wrong with this crazy bitch?
What did she do?
- Okay, disclaimer, Andrea is a very nice girl.
- Oh my God!
- Let me just be clear about that.
All right, fair enough.
So this fucking psycho, Andrea.
- Finally. - Is that what you wanna hear?
- No, she's cool.
- Oh my God.
- But Andrea, a few years back,
on a movie,
she was in the art department.
- Uh-huh.
- And Andrea was a little different,
which was fun.
Kinda quirky, out there.
Started hanging out, that quickly turned into dating.
And wasn't long before I realized
that she was a bit more into it than I was
and that she was gonna keep going on that track,
I was gonna keep going on the other,
so I better end it before it got too painful, you know?
So I did and she was a little upset about that.
Didn't help that we already made plans
to go to a work party that week
and she was pretty mad if I canceled on that.
So, thought about it and I agreed to go as friends.
Made that very clear, just as friends.
She calmed down.
And it kinda seemed like everything was gonna be okay,
so I'm like, all right.
So we went and pretty much as soon as we got there,
she just clung.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I know.
Shocker.
So, yeah, she's clinging.
Basically trying to kiss me all night
and convince me I made a mistake.
Eventually, party came to an end.
I'm like, okay, good.
Time to take her home
because it was getting a little intense.
But she,
well,
she made it very clear that she would be really sad
that she didn't get to go home with me,
so I told her that it would probably be a really bad idea
considering the circumstances
but she just kept reassuring me
that she wouldn't try anything.
She understood it's just as friends, blah, blah, blah.
Finally wore me down, I agreed to let her come home with me.
So, yeah, we go back to my place and
lay in my bed.
- You're an idiot.
- I know.
So there we are
and she's making a few attempts
but I'm not having it.
- Right.
- I just wanna keep talking.
- Mm-hmm.
- Being there for her on an emotional level
as a good person.
And, yeah,
eventually we fell asleep.
Now, a few hours later...
(chuckling)
A few hours later, she made a really bold attempt
by waking me up with her mouth on...
My...
- I'm not quite clear.
I think I need you to get on stage and reenact it for me.
- Got it.
- [Amy] Sit the fuck down, she blew you, I get it.
- Correct.
So, there she was...
Taking care of that business
and I wake up and I'm really, you know,
things are pretty hazy for the first few seconds.
I'm basically still asleep, so I'm kinda into it, you know?
I really don't know what's going on.
But then I quickly realize what's happening,
snap to and ask her kindly to please stop.
She does not.
So I had to kinda gently remove her form myself
and she's feeling all super rejected at this point
because I wouldn't let her. - Yeah.
- Eventually the sun comes up, I have to get going to work.
So she goes into overdrive
and just kinda starts taking her clothes off
and, yeah, it got really depressing.
So...
I had to leave and she wouldn't go.
So I wound up just having to leave her
lying naked on my bed crying.
Fortunately she was gone by the time I got home
and I never saw her again.
So yeah, that one kinda sucked.
- Just to be clear,
your worst breakup consisted of someone blowing you
and then getting naked and throwing herself at you?
- It was probably worse than it sounds.
- Oh my God, you poor thing. - Yeah.
- Jesus Christ.
(laughing)
- Okay, who was yours?
What do you got?
Quinn, maybe?
- Oh no, Ryder.
Just the fact that I left all my shit there
so that I'd never have to see him again.
That pretty much seals it.
- You ever thought about going back to get your stuff?
I mean, it's been awhile at this point.
- He's probably burnt it all by now.
(laughing)
Plus, I wouldn't have anywhere to put it.
I kinda had to downsize with my new place, so.
Which is fine, it's all I need
but I did love that apartment.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Where is this magical place?
(laughing)
Mar Vista.
It was like Washington and 10th.
- Yeah, I actually had some friends that lived over there.
On Pacific.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
- I was one block over on Mitchell.
I mean, it wasn't fancy or anything but,
I don't know, I just loved it.
I used to go up on the rooftop at night
and stare at the city and
I just felt so free and like my whole world was so exciting.
I don't know, it's stupid.
- No, that's not stupid.
That's what I miss most when any relationship is over.
You know?
All that potential, like the promise of what
the relationship could be.
Just getting swept up in all of it.
For me, it's always best when they end it
and just take the option off the table.
Sometimes it's just too hard to set aside
those particular dreams with that person.
I agonize over it too much
and wonder if I'm making the right decision,
if I tried hard enough.
Yeah.
- [Amy] I'll keep that in mind.
(Jason chuckling)
- [Jason] Please don't hurt me.
(Amy laughing)
Ever.
- Prince.
Oh, Sia.
Oh my God, Damian Rice.
Josh Ritter.
- Okay.
- Yeah, Citzen Cope.
Bryan Adams.
- Yeah.
- Secret stash from when you entertain all the ladies?
- Absolutely.
It's like a revolving door around here.
So we got a few cases in the back.
- That's hot.
- Yeah.
Matt's actually in there right now.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, with Brooke and Lauren.
They had a little change of heart.
- Oh my Gosh, hey guys.
- Hey, they're sleeping right now, Amy.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
He wore them out, so, you know.
They're pretty...
- Uh-huh. - Hey gave it to 'em.
- Uh-huh. - I'm just kidding.
Her passed out like halfway through.
- Gross.
Nope.
All sorts of gross. - Should I stop?
- Just really end it. - I'm still going.
Let's maybe go back to listing musicians.
- Mason Jennings.
Wait, is there a relation there?
Mason Jennings?
- Oh, he's my husband.
We're in love. - Wow.
So you're married?
Hey there.
- I know you love I'm good and married.
- Historically, apparently.
- That is your jam.
(laughing) - That's my jam.
- Yeah.
What was I gonna say?
Oh, the aforementioned Elliot Smith, of course.
- Yeah, what is your favorite Elliot song?
- "Waltz #2."
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Really no wrong answer.
- This is true.
- It is very true.
- Oh, there's this guy, Edward Herda,
he has this song, "Tiny Footsteps,"
and it kills my soul in this amazing away.
- So your soul's dead?
- It's just dead. - Wow.
- I love it so much.
Oh man, I miss that song.
- What do you mean you miss it?
Where'd it go?
- It's still there.
I first heard it when I was dating Ryder,
so it's kinda tangled up in all those memories, you know.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We saw him play in Santa Monica
at this cool little dive bar once
and it was at the beginning of out relationship
when everything just felt like really big
- Yeah. - You know?
- Magical.
- Yeah, exactly. - Yeah, I know.
- Honestly, I think that song
kinda fucked me up a little bit.
'Cause when he played it, Ryder looked at me
and I looked at him
and it's...
kinda when I knew I was falling for him.
That's how good that song was.
Anyway,
we used to listen to it over and over again
and I just can't anymore.
- Yeah, it's kinda a double-edged sword
when a song gets hijacked like that, you know?
- Hijacked?
- Yeah, that's just what I call it.
Like when you get swept up in a relationship
and a great song comes along,
you both get really into it
and you like listen to it over and over and over
and then it becomes the anthem for your love basically.
- Yeah.
- That shit's been hijacked.
It's incredible when it happens but
it's kind of a motherfucker to take it back
when a relationship's over but...
I've kinda made a point of taking those songs back.
I don't know, I think it helps me like
process things and move forward or something.
So, anyway.
You know, maybe think about taking back "Tiny Footsteps"
and then thank me later.
- Or, I can leave it buried with everything else
that reminds me of Ryder and just go on with my life.
Good, yeah?
- All right, look, I understand why a lot of people
don't want to have reminders of their past relationships,
I used to not want that either.
I just wanted to like make a clean break
and write that shit off as like a failure that I could feel
bitter about or wounded by without,
I don't know, having to sort through the rest but...
All right, here's the thing.
Every relationship, well not every relationship,
but pretty much every relationship that we start
is supposed to end.
You think about it, it's okay.
There might be just be one exception
in each of our lives
and that's the one that you're in when you die,
if you happen to be in one at that time.
- Cool, let's get morbid.
- Sounds a little morbid but it's just a fact though
No, they basically all end,
so were they just all failures except for that one
that you're in when you die?
I don't know, I guess I've just been trying to
except the fact that they're all gonna end
and appreciate them while they're happening.
I don't wanna feel bitter.
They all started because you cared about someone.
That's what the foundation of any relationship is,
is you care about someone, they care about you.
The problem is just that,
I don't know, people go crazy just disrespecting each other
so much that the foundation gets all cracked to hell
and the only thing that's left is resentment,
which sucks.
All right, let's just put this out there right now
We've both been trying our best, all right?
So we'll give ourselves a little break on that.
We've been trying our best in a system
that's pretty fucked up.
- Mm-hmm.
- So when you think about it,
try to pick one partner and then have that be
like your person for the rest of your life.
- Right, I want like 50. (Jason laughing)
- I'm just saying, it's a weird thing to do
because you can have as many friends as you want,
you know, but it's like,
you're supposed to pick this one person,
like that's it.
- So why do we do it then?
- I think, in part, because that's what's expected.
You know, it's ingrained in us,
so that's what we come to expect and...
I don't know, even more so, for me,
there's something just kinda like romantic and beautiful
about striving to defy biology completely
and conquer all your fears and just fucking go for it
despite all the odds
that I can't help but root for
all the loving couples out there
and ultimately want that for myself.
All the while, acknowledging that it's completely insane.
- It's archaic is what is it.
- It's been around, that old couple off concept,
but maybe there's a reason for that.
- Yeah, taxes.
- Taxes, that's what it is, right.
I forgot taxes.
- You really do have a lot of love for your exes, don't you?
- Yeah, no, yeah I do.
- Must be a nice way to feel.
- It's not a bad way to feel.
I'm pretty happy about it.
- Well then,
would you ever give one of them another shot?
Come on, just be honest.
- Okay, I'll be honest.
Okay, honestly,
if someone were to ask me that a few hours ago,
I might have said Rose.
But I think that's just because the relationship
wasn't that long ago and while I knew it needed to end,
I think I wasn't completely done trying to make it work.
You know?
And maybe on some level I still think
that she might need me,
but I know she doesn't actually need me.
She's more than fine.
That's just
possibly in the back of my mind, you know,
what I was thinking a few hours ago.
But now, if someone were to ask me that at this moment,
the answer is honestly, no.
- Mmmmm.
I'm just that damn enchanting, aren't I.
- You're that damn distracting.
You definitely take my mind off of Rose, so.
- Cool.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- Okay.
You're confused.
- Uh, yeah, I'm confused.
- All right, just repeat back what I said,
you gotta express your feelings through subtext
for a change, let's try that out.
All right?
- [Amy] Okay.
- I know that's a little weird.
- Wait, I'm sorry, what is the point of this again?
- It's basically about being in the moment,
present, locked in and calling each other's behavior.
All right?
- Okay.
- We'll try it again, okay?
I appreciate your willingness to participate.
All right.
You're confused.
- You're confused.
- All right, not exactly what I said.
You make it a reference to yourself
until you're ready to like flip it around on me.
Organically.
- Okay.
- Like when the time comes.
I know it's...
Yeah?
Wanna try it again?
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
(chuckling)
- You're confused.
- You're an idiot.
- Okay, that was good.
- What?
I was turning it back on you.
- No, no, no, the effort was great.
You might wanna try building up to it.
- I wanna call you an idiot now, that is being present.
- That's actually fair.
Kinda starting to realize this might not be the best idea.
- No, no, okay, let's go again.
- [Jason] Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Try again?
- Try again. - All right.
- Hit me, go.
- You're feeling--
- Never have I ever bored someone to death
with some stupid fucking acting game.
- Wow.
- You know what, maybe I should grab a beer
because you're definitely gonna need a drink for that one.
- Okay, so it seems to me
like you want to talk about sex.
- I think that you wanna talk about sex.
- So never have I ever,
you wanna bring that game up for some other reason?
Because that's basically what all it's for.
- You want games? I got games.
(laughing)
- That's all that game is for.
Never have I ever fucked on a plane,
fucked on a Ferris wheel.
I've done all those things, by the way,
never have I ever--
- See, this game already sounds way better
than your stupid game.
- True enough, I'm not gonna deny that.
So, okay, let's talk about sex, I guess.
Are you, per chance, are you into that?
What's your take on it?
- Overall, I'd say it's super good fun.
- That's so crazy because I love sex too.
- Oh my God. - What're the odds?
- That is so kismet.
Holy shit.
- We found each other.
The two people who like the sex.
Amazing.
- Honestly, though, calm your horses because--
- Calm my horses.
- Calm your horses.
- First I'll hold them, then I'll calm them.
- No, calm them beasts. - Step one.
- [Amy] Because it really does all depend on the partner.
- That's true.
- Because it can be bad.
- Agreed.
Like when my heart's in it
and passion's through the roof, it's the best,
but there have been quite a few times
I've been in bed with a girl
and I just kinda wanna disappear pretty much,
especially if the kissing's off.
That's just always a bad sign.
- Of course you and your magical fucking kisses.
- It's a precursor, all right?
If it ain't clicking, the rest ain't going to either.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- All right, so one time I met a girl at this bar,
kissed her in the parking lot
and I just wasn't feeling that, you know, mmmmm.
You know what I'm saying?
- [Amy] Mm-hmm.
- That mmmmmm.
- Okay. - Ugh.
It was bad.
- That's weird, don't do that.
- Don't do that?
- No.
- Ever?
- Yeah.
- All right, good to know.
It was just kinda off, it was bad, wasn't feeling right.
So she wanted me to follow her home.
I realized I'd rather just go grab Del Taco and crash out,
so, yeah, did that.
I think it was the right call.
Kinda lied to her
and said I had to get up early the next day, so.
- You didn't tell her that you chose Del Taco over sex?
(chuckling)
- It seemed unnecessarily hurtful.
- All you really want, I think, is just that, like, mmmmmm.
- I do want that mmmmm.
I'm big on that.
- So really you just like hopping from fling to fling.
- Okay, look, I'm not just trying to have sex
with as many women as possible.
I just told you the Del Taco story, that proves that.
- Oh, no, no, no, I am very aware
that it's not about sex with you.
It's much worse than that.
- How so?
- You are addicted to falling for these girls
and having them fall for you.
You love that big burst of passion in the beginning
but you don't want a relationship.
You just keep bouncing from girl to girl
but still get to have the feeling that you're
apart of these like grand and powerful romances,
and letting these girls think
that you're actually this wonderful.
You're good.
- Okay, all right.
I could see why you would think some of that.
That's not totally unfounded but, I mean,
I have given every relationship a fair chance
and I wanted each of them to last.
- How often are you the one that breaks up with them?
(chuckling)
- Look,
I wanna be in a longterm relationship, I want one to last
but I don't want to just settle for less.
- Okay, what's less for you?
- What's less?
All right, let me just tell you what I do want.
- Okay.
- I want to be in a longterm, healthy, loving relationship
that's always passionate.
I don't wanna be part of one of those couples
that just takes each other for granted.
You know, I don't wanna let things
just drift into complacency.
I want sparks, I want mmmmm.
I think I probably made that clear though.
- Oh man, you just want a fucking fairytale.
- All right, what the hell do you want?
Because it seems to me like you don't want enough,
you don't wanna aim too high.
- No.
I think what I want is awesome.
I want someone who is loyal,
someone I can trust,
someone who is solid,
and someone who I don't have to apologize for.
- Okay.
So that's all pretty basic shit.
You can have more than that.
- Look, I don't want that crazy, all-consuming
kind of love anymore.
Hell, that is not even love.
That's just hormones and adrenalin and pheromones
all flying around, casting a damn spell
that is just gonna break.
If I want to be in a relationship,
I want something that is nice and stable.
I'm tired of things that fall apart.
I watched my dad torment himself for years about my mom.
He had that crazy kind of love for her
and he can't nourish any new relationship
because he is still hung up on her.
- Okay, I get what you're saying in regards
to how crazy, passionate all-consuming love can basically
destroy someone because I've seen friends
pretty much kill themselves over that shit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like you said, it takes more than just that passion
for it to actually be love though.
Plus, those friends didn't really,
sadly, even love themselves at the time.
I think that's kinda a key component
to being able to be in a healthy relationship,
is with loving yourself.
Fortunately for me,
I do love myself, so I'm good there.
- You don't love yourself, you are in love with yourself.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think, honestly, I think the reason
that you haven't had a meaningful relationship
is because you're too busy being in love with yourself.
I mean-- - Wow.
- I'm super happy for you and you, congratulations.
- Appreciate that.
But, you know, in fairness it seems like
you hold yourself in pretty high regards too,
so maybe it would be for the best
if we just took a little alone time right now.
- Why don't I hold up a mirror?
- Yeah?
- And you can just have at it.
- That sounds kinky
and sad.
(chuckling)
Mostly sad but yeah, okay, let's do that.
I'm game.
No, not serious?
Shit, okay.
Just fucking around.
- No, you know what, I'll cut you some slack.
I don't think you're actually in love with yourself,
I think you just get hooked on girls
who reflect all that self-love right back at you.
- Are we still talking about the masterbating
through the mirror thing?
Because I thought you were kidding,
but I'm down.
- I think that you're attracted to girls
that pull the coin and worship you.
- Okay, yeah, fine.
A lot of the girls I've dated have wound up
putting me on a pedestal but I'm not after that shit.
I don't want to be with someone who just tells me
what they think I wanna hear.
I wanna be with someone who tells the truth.
Their truth, whatever that is to them
and that's why I like talking to you.
You just tell me your truth.
It's bullshit to the rest of the world,
I don't fucking get it but still.
No, really, I don't wanna be worshiped,
I want to be challenged and inspired.
Done.
- Okay, got it.
Inspirational, magical kissing, blah, blah, blah.
You want it all.
- I do, actually, and fortunately,
I'll give you this, you are pretty damn inspiring.
Definitely feeling challenged.
You might say a little over challenged,
but yeah.
- All right.
So...
Am I what you expected when you first dazzled me
with your wit?
- I remember that.
- Did you think that you would just smile
and say sweet and silly things
and I would shower you with praise?
- That would've been good.
No, I mean,
I'm not saying I had you all figured out or anything
but when I first had a second to talk to you,
I did have a pretty good idea what to expect,
that's why I persevered.
Wasn't so easily deterred.
- What was your impression of me in the first five seconds?
- Are we just kinda fishing now?
- Why not? - Okay.
- All right.
Within the first five seconds.
I realized you were beautiful
because my eyes work.
And...
It didn't take me long to figure out
that you're also intelligent,
so hilarious in your own mind
and brave
and someone definitely worth knowing.
Now you're just more of all those things.
- Wait, hold up.
I am more beautiful now than I was then?
How many beers have you had?
(laughing)
- Yeah, because now I know you.
- You are really good at this, I do not like it.
(laughing)
- You know, it's probably for the best
because there's something that's becoming
just abundantly clear to me,
is the fact that I have no interest whatsoever
in kissing you right now.
Check this out, actually.
You know what, this is how I'm feeling.
Just read the body language.
I'm over here, you're there.
I basically ran from you.
Proves it.
- Cool. - Yeah.
Wait a minute.
This is good.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
See, I like this space between us.
I feel like the further away we get from each other
the more comfortable we get.
- Yeah, you were smothering me over there.
- I imagine.
- Yeah.
In fact, I think we should really just
take the ball and run with it.
You go ahead and move to Asia.
- Oooh.
- And we'll just play as it lays.
- [Amy] Yeah, yeah.
- Give us a little space.
- I love wontons.
- There you go. - Yeah.
- And you can only get wontons in Asia.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
While we're still within earshot of each other though--
- What?
See what I?
Continue, sorry.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- Why don't you go ahead and tell me,
without any concern of what I might think.
- Never, yeah.
- Exactly what's on your mind right now.
- Okay.
Well, I'm imagining a lot right now.
(chuckling)
It's a little bit sweet.
Some of it's a little dirty.
Most of it's both.
I'm excited just looking at you right now.
That's what's on my mind.
What about you?
- You make me nervous.
And I want you to guess what else I'm thinking.
- Let's go for a drive.
- How did you know that I was thinking
about how sexy your fucking car is?
- Well, that's because, in fairness,
that's what everyone is thinking.
- It's just unbelievable. - All the time.
- It's like remarkable. - Universal thought.
(somber guitar music)
- [Amy] So it looks like you're just gonna keep driving.
Are we going somewhere in particular or--
- [Jason] I've got something in mind, yeah.
- [Amy] Well, wherever you're taking me,
we are driving right through my old neighborhood.
So that's great.
- The thing about that is
we're not actually driving through your old neighborhood.
More--
- Wait, what? - Towards it.
Is it the next block?
- What're you doing?
- I wanna see the rooftop.
- Jason, stop the car.
Stop the car!
♪ All I needed was you ♪
♪ All I wanted was truth from you ♪
What, you want me to take the fucking roof back?
Seriously?
- Amy, I think you're stronger than you realize.
And going up there might help you feel,
I don't know, more able to get back out there.
- Look, I don't need to be saved, Jason.
Okay?
I don't need to be saved.
- Okay.
- And I certainly don't wanna risk running into Ryder.
I don't wanna think about him,
let alone stand on the fucking rooftop of his building.
- I understand that but he's holding you back.
He is, the memory of him, whatever from your career
and everything else.
And it's like you said about your dad,
he hasn't really been able to get on with his life
because he's still hung up on your mom.
- Oh my God, do you not see how stupid this is?
Not everyone can have such a positive outlook
on their relationships and that is okay.
I don't have to look back and see the beauty of it all
and be comforted by the fact
that everything happened for a fucking reason.
Oh, you seriously wanna keep going down this road?
- I do wanna keep being honest with you
but I know you're upset
and I think I've said too much as it is, so I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
- Fine,
just go ahead and keep sprinkling some more fucking
pixie dust on the situation.
- Okay, look, I like you and I care about you.
I know we just met but I care about you
and I wanna be something good in your life.
I do, I wanna be something good
and I have no idea how any of this is gonna play out
and that's fine, that's more than fine.
I don't need to know, don't wanna know,
but I know that I'm here right now.
I know I'm here right and I think I'm just trying
a little too hard to make it all count while I can.
- Yeah, I think you can lighten up on that a little bit.
- Yeah.
(chuckling)
Yeah, a little bit.
I'm sorry.
I'm realizing I've gotten way too caught up in thinking that
every relationship is gonna end.
I just feel like it's inevitable, you know?
I need to work on that and I will,
but at the same time,
I think you've gotten too used to feeling
like nothing great will ever even begin.
I get it, I do, I get it, it's fucking hard
not being cynical about relationships and all this
and I think it's why I hate cynicism so much,
especially these days because I just feel
the weight of that shit more and more every year
and I don't want it.
I don't wanna feel that way, not for a second.
But, you know, as dumb as it was bringing you here,
I'm really starting to get clear
on how just how fucking stupid it was.
I gotta say, the fact that we've already opened up enough
to even be able to wind up on this street,
it's making me feel a little more optimistic again.
So,
that's good.
I should take you home.
(keys jingling)
(engine rumbling)
♪ All I needed was you ♪
♪ All I wanted was truth ♪
♪ From you ♪
♪ If you can't breathe ♪
♪ And I can't breathe ♪
♪ If you can't see ♪
♪ That I'm lost at sea ♪
♪ And if these words ♪
♪ Are all that's left of me ♪
♪ Just throw them all out ♪
♪ Just leave me be ♪
Okay.
- So do you wanna be a gentleman for once
and walk me to my door?
(chuckling)
- That's gonna be a stretch.
But, yeah, okay.
- Okay.
This is me.
- Cool.
- So,
give me your big line again.
- Okay.
Fuck, it was...
- It was, "hey."
- "Hey," thank you, all right.
Hey. - What the fuck do you want?
(laughing)
Give me your damn phone.
- Ferocious.
All right.
There you go.
- All right.
I say you give me a call when you've saved yourself.
Try that for a change.
- That's a solid plan.
- [Amy] Yeah.
- Let me get on that.
All right.
- Well,
have a good night, Jason.
- Good night, Amy.
(computer buzzing)
("Tiny Footsteps" by Edward Herda)
♪ I took a bite today ♪
♪ But the apple ain't as sweet ♪
♪ Without you tasting it with me ♪
♪ I try to turn the page ♪
♪ But the words are all obscure ♪
♪ They all look the same ♪
♪ They read your name ♪
♪ I feel the warmth ♪
♪ Of your breath so hot ♪
♪ When I'm lying in bed ♪
♪ You're kissing me in the dark ♪
♪ I know that I ♪
♪ Had done my part ♪
(knocking)
- Hey, I'm done.
Totally saved myself, which is cool.
Took a lot of courage and and a little elbow grease
but I'm feeling pretty good about--
- Stop ruining everything.
- Yeah, okay. - Yeah.
- Yep.
That's about right.
- I hate you.
- Yeah, we're fucked.
- Mm-hmmm.
♪ I hear your tiny footsteps ♪
♪ Wandering through my heart ♪
♪ My ashes fill the tin ♪
♪ I'm trying to count sheep ♪
♪ But the wolf always shows her teeth ♪
♪ There you go again ♪
♪ You pass me on the street ♪
♪ I blink and you're gone ♪
♪ I know that song ♪
♪ I feel the warmth ♪
♪ Of your breath so hot ♪
♪ When I'm lying in bed ♪
♪ You're kissing me in the dark ♪
♪ I know that I ♪
♪ Had done my part ♪
♪ I hear your tiny footsteps ♪
♪ Wandering through my heart ♪
♪ The sunshine shines in my mind ♪
♪ So clear and so bright ♪
♪ Still pining for a girl that was mine ♪
♪ She taught me to walk the line ♪
♪ Picked me up when I fell behind ♪
♪ Gave me the words to write a rhyme ♪
♪ Damn that girl was fine ♪
♪ I'd spend hours in her eyes ♪
♪ With her dangerous curvy lines ♪
♪ Guess I never saw the signs ♪
♪ Or heard her long drawn-out sighs ♪
♪ Aye, aye, aye ♪
♪ I feel the warmth of your breath so hot ♪
♪ When I'm lying in bed ♪
♪ You're kissing me in the dark ♪
♪ I know that I ♪
♪ Had done my part ♪
♪ I hear your tiny footsteps ♪
♪ Wandering through my heart ♪
(whistling tune)
♪ I still hear your tiny footsteps ♪
♪ Wandering through my heart ♪